My brain has been playing tricks on me for about 14 months right now. Not cool magic card tricks, yet still similar in the way that an explanation always makes everything obvious in hindsight. If you know that a card was hiding up the sleeve the whole time, the trick seems very easy, childish even. But if you can’t see the sleeve, then you’re just dumbfounded. Maybe you’re real smart and you can figure the trick out on your own, but when it’s the brain playing tricks and not some greasy guy at a carnival, figuring things out becomes a lot more difficult. The brain knows a magician never reveals her secrets, so it’s gonna do everything in it’s power to stop me from figuring out the secret behind its magic.
It’s a very difficult lesson, one that I am still learning, that because it is MY brain that is playing these tricks, MY brain cannot come up with an explanation, much less a solution. Not alone, at least. As someone who has staked her entire identity on her brain being able to figure things out (graduating valedictorian was the first and last time I felt worthwhile), this is not easy to come to terms with. I could master any school subject, any concept, and I was an excellent tutor because I had the gift for explaining difficult concepts. The thing with depression is there isn’t a clear explanation, and if there is, I’m not going to be the one to see it.
I know this, but only intellectually. I like to say that whenever my conclusions and thoughts/behavior don’t match up. My brain is a contradiction, I think that’s part of the trick. Being sad is hard, and trying is hard. My brain, most clever magician, is the master of confusion (why am i feelings this), disappearing acts (when was the last time i felt joy), and above all – deceit (is any of this real at all).
The fact that the brain is by far the least understood part of the body in medical science aids its magic abilities. The common cold was thought to be magic before we knew about the existence of germs. We didn’t say bless you as a common courtesy, we said it to hopefully rid the body of demons….which i guess given how often we sneeze was still a form of common courtesy.
Regardless.
We didn’t know to watch out for germs because we didn’t know about them. Simple as that. And the 21st century version of germs is mental health. Hell, there are still people, educated people, who are walking around fully believing we only use 10% of our brain. All because of a Bradley Cooper movie, which wasn’t even that good! Ladies, c’mon! Spider bites don’t give you superpowers and your body wouldn’t waste all of that energy to only utilize a small fraction of our brain power. These are the facts. I know evolution isn’t perfect and our eyeballs were designed backwards but we gotta give credit where credit is due. And for better or for worse, we use all of the brain. Including the parts that are currently playing tricks on me.
Slow Unlikely Cat 